In which I notice synchronicities, I have a strange dream and Louis graduates

General:
Wheather: wet cold, snow, just above zero
Moon: day 14 (full)
Cycle: day 10 (nothing, probably my only normal day )
Discipline:
Waking up: no (5:32)
Pilates: no
Biking: yes
Fruits: yes, but also other stuff
Writing: not yet
Work: a little, but not really
Dreams:
Fluff was terminally ill. She lived with husband and four (!) children in a house in France. And I was in France also – doing my thing in the pine woods – naturally For some reason that was entirely clear to me in dreams I was unable to go to see her there. And then suddenly I got the email with her goodbye words. It chilled me to the bone. I wanted to go visit husband and children, but of course they didn’t need me there at all. Fluff signed off her last email with “Manny” .. huh? What is that supposed to mean?
I should contact Fluff again. I haven’t seen two of her children yet. And I haven’t spoken to her in ages. I’m in the same country now too – often times in the same province (like now), but still don’t find the time to visit. I want to feel resolved about the fact that we’ve drifted apart. But she is still a wonderful human being – and there aren’t enough of them, and they need to be treasured. So I should shut up and get back into contact – however awkward that may be.
The rest of the dream is probably because old friend will be buried/cremated today. My thoughts are with my parents, with his wife and with old friend himself. “Seen” him twice more, but it is all very vague and uncontrolled. Maybe that’s a good sign. Maybe that’s a sign that he doesn’t need to stay here with too much energy anymore. Onwards and upwards, hopefully.

Minutiae:
My tooth hurts like a motherfucker. My nontooth that is. Shitshitshit. Do I now finally need that dentist appointment? I’m scared. Not of the dentist, but of the money. And the mistrust I have in all of them. Which is probably unfounded but absolutely real.
Louis passed for his exam!! It was a very close call, but he did it I’m so proud. And I was extremely cold. Two hours of standing virtually still in the cold rainy weather wasn’t fun. But we made it. Yay!
We also got some stuff in to better the house – some cushions and some washing baskets. It makes a big difference. But Rock still wants to move. I sigh. She is getting worse at the moment. I think she needs more therapy, or else I’m going to find her with an overdose some time soon.

I just read up on the number synchronicities again. By accident – or synchronicity The time on the clock thing, and now I’m reading on Grant Morrisons “Pop Magic!”. Very cool, very crowley.

Oh and I’ve gotten my new interest – electronics. Okay… hahaha Useful though hopefully. In the long run. But how am I going to fold it around Rock?
In any case, I now know the law of Ohm again. And I don’t understand why I thought it was useless, difficult and abstract before. It wasn’t the right time for it, very obviously.

In which I meet old friends, and Rock wants drama

General:
Wheather: wet cold, rain, just above zero
Moon: day 8 (waxing – half full + 1)
Cycle: day 5 (mild bleeding, no cramps)
Discipline:
Waking up: no (8:15)
Pilates: yes
Biking: no
Fruits: no
Writing: not yet
Work: a little, but not really
Dreams:
I went by bus from Ooij to somewhere. I missed it and I had the wrong ticket, and it was a tram and what not, and i had a bike, but I got on it eventually anyway. It felt all very art nouveau, the colors and the clothes and it felt wonderful. Very vibrant and alive. Scary with all the missing of buses and such, but very like I belonged in that world and I understood how everything was.

Minutiae:
I met up with Spaghetti, Pizza and Macaroni yesterday. It was wonderful meeting with them again. Apperently Tortellini has a boyfriend now! Yay! And Pizza is getting married. That means only Macaroni has no boy or girlfriend yet. I think. I didn’t ask. It was wonderful seeing her and the others again. We were in a fun restaurant. The food wasn’t amazing, but it was affordable and had a friendly staff. And we talked about so many things. And it was great. It felt like old times again, really good.

When I came home, I found out that Louis had puked up his food again. But other than that he seemed fine. He just at it again as well.

Rock was in an impossible mood. Wanting to move house right then and there. It made me quite desperate.

I phoned Moufflon and Butterfly. It was good to talk to them. They were okay, but still very upset about the death of old friend.

I sensed old friend for a few moments earlier this morning. He’s just going around like a mad man still. He’s not used to being dead quite yet. I can imagine that. I wonder all the time now whether it is a choice in the end or not. It seems to be for some, but a complete surprise to others. Maybe it was a spur of the moment thing. Or maybe it is mostly matter over mind, but sometimes mind over matter in terms of choosing to go or to come back. It makes me less angry, but more scared hehe

Rock said she wants to join Moufflon and Heron’s drama club. It would be wonderful! She actually said “yes” to my question. That means a lot. Mostly she says “maybe” even when she badly wants it. For her to say “yes” means it would be a dream come true. Wife of old friend is in the drama club though, so for now they are stopping rehearsals and all that ships. So I don’t know how to get her involved just yet, but I think I’ll let my father know somehow and then after tonight’s rehearsal – in which they will probably just mourn together – then she can probably come along. I hope so! I hope they’ll find her something to do. It would boost her confidence so much and also her need for social contacts, and her gossips and all that. It would be fantastic. Scary but great.

In which old friend dies, I’m moody, Rock is worried and Louis isn’t eating

General:
Wheather: wet cold, snow, just below zero
Moon: day 8 (waxing – half full + 1)
Cycle: day 4 (mild bleeding, no cramps, mild paranoia)
Discipline:
Waking up: half an hour late (5:32)
Pilates: yes
Biking: yes
Fruits: yes
Writing: yes
Work: no

Minutiae:
Yesterday Moufflon’s friend and colleague died. He immediately went over to help out friend’s wife. Butterfly stayed home by herself. She was all shakey. But she said she was very proud of Moufflon – and she said she understood now why he got the job that he has. He is there for people when they need him to be there for them.

Hare phoned me and told me about her new palace. It sounds beautiful. I told her about friend’s death. She phoned Butterfly as well, she’s sweet. Partis is going to build a table for their new home.

Rock kept stroking my hair and kissing me and asking me if I was alright. It was very pleasant. Louis was utterly cuddly too.

I had thought of Bear’s death the whole time when I was driving home by train yesterday. Strangely enough. Bear keeps recovering and living, and others in seemingly more fortunate positions drop away.

I got up a little late this morning. It was quite late yesterday. This keeps happening. Anyhow, I did do my pilates, and I took the dog for an appropriate walk, and I showered, and I got to the train when the light was still green. The train was mildly full. Just to the point of it still being nice. The bus wasn’t overloaded either. A woman sat next to me who was clearly disgusted by my close proximity. She kept shifting and twitching.
I arrived at Ivory Towers early and have since had zip-all to do. Nobody needs me for anything, and nobody particularly cares about me being here or not. I generally feel underqualified and unappreciated. Which is not the best of mood’s but there you have it.

I talked to CareBear about her recent trip to FarAway. She had loved it, but she was glad to be home. I handed her my work and generally made an ass of myself by being totally apologetic about all the details and things I could have done better. Shiiiit. Just hand it over and shut up. Enough of my insecurities.

Cinderella and I discussed Oddie today. It seems like she is not coming back for a while. We talked about how a burn out must feel. Neither one of us has thankfully experienced one before, but Cinderella does have some experience with bouts of severe depression. It must be quite similar. Thank flip I don’t know. Or maybe not, maybe I could help Rock out more if I did.

Rock phoned me around lunch to tell me that Louis isn’t eating his food again. And now he’s not eating snacks either. She is very worried. Also she has her heart set on moving house. And I don’t want to. In a deep rooted sense I don’t want to. Not the hassle, and not another home. I love our home the way it is and the place it is and everything. Then again, I’m not there 24/7.

I will have to phone the vet at 15:00 – or else first Rock again to see if Louis is eating yet. I hate spending money in vain. But let’s not have another argument about that one. i feel so stupid, because I already know what the vet is going to say. That’s fine; that’s just Louis. See if he eats tonight. And maybe bring him in tomorrow. Yaddayadda for no good reason. or so I hope. I feel like an overprotective owner. And I’m not. i’m just the mouth of the overprotective owner.

Don’t stand in the light to create a shadow they say. maybe I should let Rock’s light fall through me, and make myself so thin that she can be seen through me. That way I’m really just a messenger, and not a disturbance on the line.

In which I am bold, just and honest

And it may all be irrelevant.

Meet me!